APPARITIONS

(of my stay by the end of the old year)

Outside the gate of Home
in winter light
a small fragile egg rolled
towards me
its golden glow
dissolved my sight
and my skin became transparent

I glimpsed in the mirror on the wall a bluish silhouette approaching us; I dared not look, my fingers painted in gold, and later, later, when I discovered the chamber with warmth and care where words floated like airy insects from cracks and crevices between cabinets, shelves, bottles, glasses, bags, boxes, cans, crates, containers and machinery, the memory of my friend from way back, that night when I held him back, looked into his eyes, the looming darkness, on the edge of a lake of blood, in his eyes a spirit as shapeless as ashes, in his hand a knife, pointed at someone, when in a brief moment he handed me a mountain of courage, inside our cramped cave of fervent ferocity he saw us; “become someone” he said “I know you can, I never will”

Only to awaken alone in this world again, where are you now?

For two days
I carried my ego
captivating, exhausting
unable to liberate
myself from my self
the radiant core
anxiously lonely

Emerging behind my back, stealthy as a silent zephyr, toppling my suitcase and my bottle of aqua de florida, the water-legged creature, assaulting both of us at the same time, she saw it, stabbing her stomach, inexplicably hurtful, I screamed in the darkness from the pain in my gut, apparitions of the underworld, then daylight changed everything, the stillness, she wrote me at noon, urging me to protect myself, she said it was a water-legged monster, with thin white legs resembling knives, that it came from me, I made some coffee and looked out the window for a while, decided to take a look at the gutters

If you could
forge a creation
of your deepest fear
would it be hard or soft?
would it wear a heart?
would you be able to consume it?

In fear of the next darkness, the bed and the frenzy behind me, unreal turbulence, calmed myself with spicy water from distant planets, approached the fear, paced restlessly in a Home of shadows and roaring, I wanted to get to know it, see it, confront it, venturing deeper, called, chanted, cried, in lonely anguish, in a quest for meaning, the looming darkness stirred, drawing nearer, it heard my summons, thundering from somewhere until I ran, I crawled, my anger and my fury called it out; if the devil was here I would push it backwards, no bounds, it appeared in the mirror, my darkest fear reflected back at me, fearless, and it was me, I was the monster with the darkest eyes, and then through the mirror I merged with myself on the other side, as the creature contorted within, becoming one, and there I saw just pure darkness, all became united, there was no fear, no hope, no future, no past

Only now
not sure which side
I ended up on
but I smashed the mirror
with my right hand

I slept for a day, bloody hands, no mirrors broken, my eyes was different, the colors and shapes in the air like smoke, my sleep became hibernation-like, no one behind my back, aqua de florida in my hair; I found my rituals, and welcomed all of them; the spirits, the ghosts, the beasts of beauty, the monsters, the creatures, the little sylphs, I thought, if they existed, they would come from nothing like me, and eventually become nothing like I will, and meanwhile we exist, as colorfull as clouds, and I believed in the now more than ever, just the love and the now

I feel safe
listening to the rain
knowing that you are close
somehow
when Home

The grid I created supported me, can you count? air, snow, infinity, blunt, flow, monkey, cat, moon, keeping my body open, caught between the hate and the love, moving and moving and moving the bewildered winds of the mind, we got along well, my body and I, but it does have many ages and many desires, the grid was the grid, Home was Home and I was the human, at noon running or walking the surroundings of Home, in rain or snow, to meet their eyes, the gentle push of winds, an application for staying alive, moving and moving and moving to comprehend the majestic forces of life, within us, blood coursing, blood

today I ran
as fast as I could
away from boredom
away from feeling severely lost
away from the air behind me
away from my new beloved
away from myself

I drank a lot of coffee before
so I could be chased by fear

I ran into this heavenly air
in front of me
into life that awaits
into strangers
into the void
into yet another cloud of words for you
into your arms

but you were already gone
because you run, too

A book I dreamt I would be given, an important gift from a friend, ancient words, it was as if the writer saw me, who I really am, my struggles all together, told me to hold on to insisting; insisting on my core, remembering the darkness, where no light separates us, where time does not exist, and then my core gleams like the euphoric milky way, I have no name, no face, bloom is gone and love is too great a force to hold within, too much to contain in its purity, I guess that is why we burst, why I burst like a supernova the size of a cup of coffee, drops of black coffee upon the world, a drop on every page I turn, a drop in your hair, what if everything you were told was just a small drop of the whole truth? would you believe a reality wider than you ever imagined?

I look at you
and see
the truth within myself
so kill me, stab me
with your claws
let me bleed out
while you look into my eye
so I can dive
into that ocean of yours
and never come back

I spend minutes, eternities, hours, moments, apparations in Home; if I moved without time, I would dance, I wished to dance in one single motion, so I tried and I tried, through mirrors and back again, on a chair in The Archive with the greatest calmness as the final gift; the opening of a mind, reasonably free now, freer than ever before, liberated, you can see me alright, but I am invisible, nothing to you; the times I died and came back; so, I just dance, dance alone through mirrors, in the depth of mirrors I no longer see bodies, I encounter the fearful, hopeful, lustful souls and flashing lights, I have become something other

all I need to know
is my heart
to see you
without my eyes

as I walked away
you whispered to me

“now forget me
as I am
and some day
out of time
look at me
with your new eyes”

₪⏐৳

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