I was scared at first.
I even was dishonest.
The first time, on Friday, I chose earth.
I know it was not authentic, but I tricked myself.
I am definitely not earth.
Perhaps I wanted to fit in.
Trying to be ecological.
Trying to live up to a false picture of ecology.
The earth was dark, very dark.
It kept burying me.
I suffocated.
It did not accept my lie.
It didn’t work.

The second time, on Saturday, I try to avoid it.
I told myself that I have done it already.
But something drew me in.
I had to choose again.
I was very scared again.
Because I knew I had to choose fire.
I knew it all along.
In fact, I have known it for a very long time.

I didn’t choose fire. I really didn’t. But I know fire chose me. I feel it in every fiber of my body. I feel it’s amazing energy burning within me. Always. All the time. I know it gives me strength and power. I know it wants to. But at the same time I am very afraid of it. Of what fire is, what fire does.

I don’t why I finally accepted. Why I accepted to accept it. Maybe it was the voice that asked me to choose an element. It was the voice of someone I spend the previous evening with. We had a walk through the city, we talked and met some of her friends at a bar. It was a nice evening. So her voice became the voice of a friend gently whispering in my ear. Maybe that is why I knew it was time. Time for the encounter with my poetic self. So I chose fire.

None of the images that now follow are invented. They just emerged from within. As I am writing this down, I know the story that is about to unfold. But I didn’t know then. My Poetic Self took me on a journey.

The beginning was horrifying. It is so difficult to hold fire. It burnt me immediately. My feet burnt black as glowing coals. I visioned myself as a dead corpse burnt at the stake. I tried to concentrate on the voice. That was difficult. She tells me to let the element take over my body. Bone by bone. Muscle by muscle. But I could not contain it. Not at all. Every time I breath live into my muscles and bones; it bursts out through my entire body. It spreads everywhere. I got burnt again and again and again. I could not contain it.

I got burned so many times. Every time I breathe fire into it. I feel desperate. I don’t know how to get out of it. I almost panic. But I keep focusing on my breath and the voice. Trying to let go. Not to force anything. Not to step out of it. Then it happens. Then I reach my spine.

When I breathe fire into my spine, I become a dragon.

An enormous fire-breathing dragon.

With every breath, I breathe fire. I contain it. With every breath, I feel that my spine glows up, my body fills with the amazing energy. But my body doesn’t burn. It holds the fire. And with every breath, I breathe the fire. I control it. I can burn everything. I burn a city. I burn it all. Everything around me is consumed by fire. By my fire breath. I feel so powerful. I fly into the mountains. I guess that’s where dragons go. I don’t know. I have never been a dragon before. In the mountains, I am alone. I go sit on a mountain top in the middle of a very barren land. With only stony mountains as far as I can see.

I feel very sad. I didn’t really want to burn the city. But what can I do? I am a dragon now. I look at myself. I see my dragon paws. They are thick green lizard skin. They are very ugly. Very strong, but very ugly. I understand why no one wants to be with me. I feel enclosed by my dragon body. I feel I need to get rid of it. The dragon body is strong, but it destroys everything else. It makes me feel so lonely. I need to release the fire again.

I give up my dragon skin. Just by stopping to hold on to it. Gradually, the fire becomes my new body. The fire becomes my body, and my body becomes the fire. I walk around as fire. My shape is human again. But all is fire. Fire in the shape of a human. And at the same time a very cosmic being.

This is how I become the fire god.

What is most remarkable: the very moment I realize that I have become the fire god, that I have become the cosmic being, the voice says: “You are now your element.” This synchronicity is amazing. Because it is true. I had become the element.

The voice starts asking questions. The first answers come to me in a poem.

I am the fire god.
Time is my desire.
The future is my space.

The voice asks me how I want to move with it. I get confused and annoyed. I was not aware of movement. But she is my friend, and I want to listen. I give it a try. She gives me options. Would you like to run? No. Would you like to crawl? No. I just want to walk. I just want to walk with fire.

I experience a sudden moment of extreme pain and sadness. Tears well up in my eyes. I start crying. I know this is my trauma. My childhood of constraints and violence. Of needing to hide myself. Hiding fire is not easy. I had to work really hard to push the element away. To bury it deep. Inaccessible to others. I know the trauma is in the past. I am no longer defined by it. I know that I am fire now. But I feel so inexperienced with it. It makes me shy. Sometimes I just don’t know how to deal with fire. I feel that as an adult I am finally the child I always was. A cosmic child. I feel how my existence is part of a cosmic constellation of many generations, and that in the cosmic multitude of souls, I have a young soul.

I know that I am not a god. I don’t even want to be a god. I am a cosmic child. I don’t need to be fire all the time. I just want to walk with fire. To walk with fire is to be with others. It is difficult for me to be fire and to be with others at the same time. I want to be with others without hiding fire, but I don’t want to burn them. I am afraid to burn them. That is a real possibility when you are with me. Playing with fire is dangerous. I ask my Poetic Self: How do I take responsibility for others?

I feel how my body and mind merge in the deep search for the answer. I feel how my mind needs my body. I feel how my body needs my mind. My mind must allow my body to feel. It must listen. My body must allow my mind to think. It must listen. Only then I can think about my feelings. Only then I can find out how I feel about my thoughts. They must work together on this. I feel them become one in their cooperation.

In this turmoil of thoughts and feelings my wife appears to me. I listen to her. She tells me that I need to look for empathy. Empathy is concern for others. It is about giving others a place at the table. Not consuming them. She tells me to accept the difference. She is right. Not all is fire. Fire is not empathy. Empathy is not fire. But empathy can hold fire. Through empathy, fire can be with others. Through empathy, I can hold space to be with fire.

My whole body becomes this glowing being. I radiate light. Soft radiant light, not burning light. By being light, fire can be with others. I bring the light. I am with others; I am surrounded by others. They walk with me. I carry fire like a light. I shine light in the dark places. We are on a discovery. We explore worlds. Together we go look for news things. I become the light bringer.

The voice asks my name. My Poetic Self answers with great clarity and no hesitation.

My name is Courage. I walk with fire.

My totem is a torch.